MOA blog

Slow times...

2008-11-08T20:35:00.000-08:00

Not
Not a lot to say about MOA right now. Aside from noticing a few kiosks that have been there a long time have closed down, there's little to report. But stay tuned my faithful readers, the winds of change may soon be upon us...

Behold: The Lego Mahal

2008-10-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

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At MOA's famous LegoLand we have a really cool Lego replica of the Taj Mahal. For comparision's sake I've included the real one on the right, under the glass. (The Lego one on the left is HUGE)

Hand sanitizer in the parking ramp y'all

2008-10-27T20:49:00.000-07:00

ASD

This ad for HealthPartners can be found on the first level, Southeast walkway of the East parking ramp. It's got a Purell hand sanitizer dispenser below the word "Wash."

Shouldn't it really say "Disinfect," since there's no water involved?

More lies...

Subtle advertising? Or hidden truth?

2008-10-27T20:40:00.001-07:00

Che
Check it out...on the left we have MW Tux, short for Mens' Wearhouse Tux. (The W is cleverly nested in the M to create a bowtie in the logo.) On the right we have a fancy designer MOA waste basket.

Now, look carefully at the waste basket. Notice the 3 "bowties" in there. Yeah...that's right. MW Tux is advertising on waste baskets. Which would make sense, since my friend and I recently rented tuxes from them, and their service was garbage.

Help from...the baker? The butler? The ancient statue thingie??

2008-10-15T20:59:00.003-07:00

've al
I've always wanted to push this "Help" button in the parking ramp to see if this dude with the hat, outreached limb, and diagonal chest arrow would come "help" me.

And if you look at the picture a certain way it looks kinda like one of those Easter Island "Moai" statues. (So maybe their "purpose" after all was to be MOA security? Notice that MOA is only one letter short of MOAI...Hmm...)

...weird

2008-10-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

Ge
Geox is a shoe store that sells "shoes that breathe." To get the point across they put up a picture of a boot that appears to be expelling steam like an iron.

This ad does not increase the probability that I'll shop at Geox.

A shark? Wooooaaaahhhooooaaahhooee!

2008-10-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

I w
I wonder how many takes were required for this woman to achieve just the right balance of phony surprise, bewilderment, awe, delight, and fright at the sight of seeing a shark at Underwater Adventures.

I got yer economic stimulus package right here

2008-10-15T19:54:00.000-07:00

ourn
Journeys, the alt-skater shoe store, is running a genius marketing campaign that involves--get this--the election! And they're out to make things better for all of us!!

I think the basic message is, if everyone buys a whole bunch of these new shoes, Journeys stores everywhere will have more money, and eventually our nerve wracking, paranoia-inducing economic crisis will end. Wall Street will recover, consumer spending power will go up, and poverty and hunger will go the way of the velociraptor.

So at the ballot in a few weeks, be sure to write in "New Shoes" for president. Remember folks, shoes first, country...also first.

Who wants fake, pebble shaped "ice cream"?

2008-10-15T19:43:00.000-07:00

I
ME!!

I've always been a fan of Dippin' Dots, the ice cream that comes in the form of tiny spheres.

Between the closing of Camp Snoopy and the opening of Nickelodeon Universe, the mall's amusement park was called, generically, "The Park at MOA." During this dark period the Dippin' Dots took a hiatus. But thankfully they're back, in a colorful new kiosk near the Spongebob rollercoaster. And they have a killer new Smores flavor, complete with crumbled bits of real graham cracker! (Or real enough.)

And for all you Dots haters out there, you all need to realize that in the year 98837520 ALL ice cream will be like this. So, for the sake of posterity, eat your Dippin' Dots.

It's a Sign of the Crimes

2008-10-15T19:36:00.001-07:00

I
It shouldn't be much of a surprise that the Petters discount store will be closing soon. This may be your last chance to help fund Tom Petters' attorney fees! (Though with the huge discounts you might need to buy a LOT.)

There's a hole in my foodcourt soul

2008-10-04T15:29:00.000-07:00

am
Newsflash: there's a slew of plant holders hoisted high above the North foodcourt that have no plants. Always in groups of four, these empty plant rings must be filled. And they're EVERYWHERE. I mean, there's probably at least 30 of them.

Caribou needs to rethink this

2008-10-04T15:25:00.001-07:00

sfds
That construction helmet better have some crazy looking holes in it...

Hey, let's alienate and confuse potential customers

2008-10-04T15:15:00.000-07:00

o si
Side-by-side, we have, on the left, French Market Handbags, and to its right is its sister store (connected via entryway inside the store) French Market Hair. The latter one is ALWAYS closed.

OK, I know it's not closed...I'm guessing they always have the gate down because you can access the store via said entryway from French Market Handbags. And I suppose there's a greater chance of theft if one employee can't monitor both stores at the same time.

I should mention that before these two "French" stores were there, they were two stores that sold clocks and watches, called Keeping Time 2 and Keeping Time 1. Yes, in that order. 2 on the left, 1 on the right. Kinda like reading Hebrew.

I just find the whole thing absurd.
sfds

Ragstock is going insane

2008-10-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

sfdsfds
Not really sure what type of image Ragstock is trying to convey here, but its back-to-school look apparently involves dressing up as a giant birdman or a green gorilla. I mean, this is a store that, years ago, would never have even given into the whole "back-to-school" bullshit every other store is doing, back when it was a grunge lover's, mall hater's heaven. At least they're going a different route with the concept.

Shoes = Scones

2008-10-04T14:51:00.001-07:00

sdfsdf
A weird marketing trend I've noticed for a little while is naming clothing (and other things, such as wallpaper) after foods. Somehow this makes them more appealing, or "tasty" if you will.

It's kinda hard to see in this picture, but the name of the shoes this woman is wearing are called "The Pastry." It's part of "Angela's 21st Birthday Collection," as shown in the upper left corner. The shoes go well with the pictured hoop earrings and black sleeveless top, which are called "Carmelized Onions" and "Creamy Cheese and Bacon Soup" respectively.

Glory Hallelujah!!!

2008-10-04T14:36:00.000-07:00

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Just when I thought all was lost...just when it appeared widespread despair and melancholy were imminent...just when I thought the average MOA visitor would be deprived of creamy soft serve and fake orange drinks (unless they went to the other locations in the North and West sides of the mall)...the Phoenix rises up from the ashes and shines upon the East side of the mall once again!!

What I mean, of course, is that the hybrid Dairy Queen and Orange Julius, which had been displaced by a new Verizon Store, is reopening directly across from its old spot.

And it's more beautiful than ever before. The new blue tiles are so pretty.

The Vigilant One

2008-10-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

safds
This mannequin has been at Sears for ages. The familiar light sea green Oxford shirt tucked neatly into his black slacks. He is the very definition of Reliable.

For many moons he has quietly observed people bicker over garments that don't quite fit...he has witnessed many a fashion trend skyrocket to wild fame and fortune and then fade like an old pair of Levis...and he has spent many quiet, dark nights of solitude in the wee hours, where the lurkers lurk and the, uh, murkers murk.

Yes, like an old, wise friend, he keeps vigil over the men's department at Sears. He does not move, he does not waver...he just watches. Many of his friends have come and gone (RIP wooly argyle sweater mannequin), but he has persevered. He is still, he is calm, he is timeless.

I call him Rick.
k.

New row of trees flanks Rainforest Cafe

2008-10-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

sfs fds
Think of it as a subtle transition from the sterile mall hallways into a lush, tropical phony rainforest. From a marketing standpoint this is a really big step up.

LA tourists are laughing at us

2008-10-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

sfd
Actually there aren't any LA tourists at MOA, but say for a moment there were. Chances are they'd scoff at the new True Religion store that's about to open. As a Midwesterner, I'd reckon a typical SoCal person would say True Religion has been passé since, oh, 2005 or something. But don't tell anyone from 'round here that. We all wanna be cool, ya know.

Fittingly, True Religion will be right next to the new Lacoste store, which means you can buy your $80 polo shirt with a gator and then swing next door to True Religion and get your $350 pair of jeans.

What makes these jeans so special, you ask? Well...if you have to ask, you're not cool. (Actually that question hasn't even been relevant since, oh, 2005 or something.)

LOL Cool J

2008-09-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

Or is tha
Seriously, how many kids will want to buy LL Cool J's new brand of 'hip' clothing for back-to-school? I don't think your average 4th grader is familiar with "Around the Way Girl" or "Doin' It," but you never know.

At least it's 40% off...

Fans and Swords and Junk, Oh My

2008-09-20T15:01:00.000-07:00

The Th

The Väase has been at MOA a long, long time, possibly since the mall opened in 1992. It's a weird store, with giant fans, swords, vases (väases?), statues, and an overall dose of Strange. But for me, it will forever be tainted by the rumor I heard years ago that one of my highschool classmates took a girl to the back of the store and showed her his wang.

Yes, of ALL stores in MOA, how creative to do this at The Väase rather than some dank back hallway, or perhaps a fitting room at Marshall's. So to me, The Väase will always be a store of "junk."

The

Take a bite out of McGruff

2008-09-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

This
This "warning" in the 4th floor East parking ramp has been vandalized by an odd looking red and white rectangular sticker in the bottom left corner. McGruff needs some reinforcements, I reckon...time to call Smokey the Bear?

Hey other Greek fast food restaurants--suck it!

2008-09-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

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Don't be fooled by the lame name "Opa!", which has been used and abused by pop culture in marketing all things "Greek." This food court gem is GOOD, at least for a food court. Yes, it's a chain, with a ton of locations in Canada, but still, it's really pretty tasty. And it's certainly the best Greek fast food restaurant I know of.

The main thing that impresses me is that they know how to make a gyro or pita wrap in such a way that the contents don't spill out at the bottom. I can't even begin to tell you how many failed gyros I've eaten in my day...most were just time bombs poorly wrapped in pita bread, eventually exploding all over my plate.

The deft employees at Opa!, on the other hand, not only include a plastic wrapper for their gyros and pitas, but they actually TWIST it at the bottom, and everything stays amazingly neat. What a concept! No spills! And this is not to mention how good the fava bean (falafel) wrap really is, especially with diced jalapeños, feta, tomatoes, onions, creamy tzaziki sauce, and maybe even hummus (yes, fava upon fava).

If I can compare apples and oranges--and yes, I will do that--Opa! is probably the best food court fare MOA has to offer. I know food court business has been slow through the economic downturn, and Opa! had been hit hard according to its manager, so I hope they weather the storm. They have set an example for the right way to do Greek fast food. (Ok I suspect the PC term is "Mediterranean" not Greek. Not as easy to type though.)

This reeks...

2008-09-20T14:18:00.000-07:00

sd
...of desperation. Anytime a store or restaurant has to wallpaper an entire empty storefront with an ad for itself and place ads all over the mall, it's usually just code for "we're covering up how much we suck by looking important with all these ads." The Corona restaurant (Cantina #1) is just begging for this dubious honor.

To be fair, I haven't eaten there yet. But there's just too much fun to be had mocking this place. So I'm hoping it really does suck.

ADT!!

2008-09-20T14:10:00.000-07:00

sfd
As in About Damn Time. Sears took heed of my tirade and finally carpeted the entryway I mentioned several posts earlier. The ugly concrete slab has been draped with a richly detailed, heavy-duty, charcoal gray, checkerboard patterned carpet.

It's gorgeous.

17 free movie tickets later...

2008-09-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

sfds
So does this mean you can just go to every American Eagle store in town, try on a pair of jeans, and get a free movie ticket each time?

(Ok so they probably track you in a database. I'm just being idealistic here.)

Forlorn Popcorn

2008-09-10T18:20:00.000-07:00

A m
Now THIS is the real reason I go to MOA.

As I passed by a closed, draped kiosk several hours after the mall closed, I spotted this lonely, full box of popcorn cradled inside the kiosk's umbra.

I couldn't help but feel like I'd found a kindred spirit here. Here, in the wee hours, was a lonely popcorn box in the mall all by itself. ALL by itself.

Such melancholy...

Such pathos...

Such...BEAUTY!! *sniffle*
UT

Update: Food court not such a ripoff anymore

2008-09-10T18:13:00.001-07:00

hing
Things have changed at the Nickelodeon Universe food court. Gone is the $9 beefaroni...now almost everything is a little over $5. Also gone is seemingly half the menu.

So it's safe to eat there now. That is, if you want shitty food that costs less than it used to.

Storefronts 101

2008-09-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

h..
Yeah, this REALLY evokes a bright, happy rainbow.

Who says there's no irony at MOA...

The lazy side of Sears

2008-09-10T17:39:00.000-07:00

sdf
This is the entrance to Sears on the 3rd floor from the parking ramp. For what seems like an eternity Sears has failed to carpet or tile the floor. They tore off the old carpet and left it this way loooong ago.

Well, I'm tired of this barren, worn-out, dusty, cold slab for all the world to see. COVER THE FLOOR, Sears! Get on it!!

Let's play a game of Boring

2008-09-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

Mose Mou
Moose Mountain Adventure Golf, which has been open since early 2008, is the latest in a string of lame-o amusement enterprises occupying the space across from the North food court. I predict its imminent demise.

This is actually the mall's second mini golf course. When MOA opened in 1992 the space was originally Golf Mountain, which sucked. After it closed down, it was replaced by General Mills Cereal Adventure, a cereal themed amusement park where you could see giant statues of Sonny the cuckoo bird (I'm KOO-KOO for COCOA PUFFS!), and the Trix Rabbit, and other cereal themed "role models." You could even make your very own cereal by combining 2 cereals in the same bowl, a concept never attempted anywhere before.

But kids didn't give a crap, so it was replaced by Dinosaur Walk Museum. Kids love dinosaurs, right? Well, not when they're in a museum that sucks ass. Kids want giant dino-robots that roar and move around, not just a bunch of bones strung together to resemble something "educational."

Dinosaur Walk's demise came earlier this year, and rumors surfaced it would be replaced by a skater park with a giant ramp. But all the slacker skaters apparently were content with their halfpipes in Burnsville, so the space gave way to its second incredibly shitty mini golf course, Moose Mountain.

The only thing that differentiates Moose Mountain from the original Golf Mountain is the addition of a mountain shaped vaguely like a moose and some lame looking trains. Ok the trains aren't all that bad...but let's get real. When I play mini golf, I want COOL stuff. I want WINDMILLS and CRAZY UPSIDE-DOWN RAMPS...in other words, things that are FUN. To me, that's what separates a good mini golf course from being just a bunch of putting greens.

But there's nothing cool on this course. Every hole looks roughly the same...no spinning obstacles, no crazy loop-de-loops, just boring green after boring green amid endless faux-rock. And guess what? People have figured it out. I rarely see more than 1 or 2 people on the course, as I frequently observe from the nearby food court. When it first opened, they would blare the same Swing-era trumpet song over and over in an annoying attempt to attract customers. The opposite effect was achieved.

I'm convinced the space occupied by Moose Mountain will never succeed, no matter what it is. It will always be some misguided, insipid entity designed to bore the general public. By this time next year I'm sure it will be something new yet again, but I wish they'd just fess up and rename it the Forest of Fail.

Books of note

2008-09-07T15:10:00.000-07:00

ca
As I caroused through MOA's Barnes & Noble today, the following books caught my attention...

If you want to know "how it is" you could read this book by "Pepa" of late 80s/early 90s hip hop group Salt-n-Pepa. Admittedly, all I care about is whether the book contains the complete lyrics to "Push It."

This book, entitled Live and Yearn, will apparently give you the "Sexth Sense." Sounds hot.

This Extreme Pumpkins II book just plain looks sweet.

Wow, now you can conquer breast cancer even if you're a "Dummy." (This one makes me a bit uneasy)

A day late & more than a few dollars short

2008-09-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

sdf
Yes, Lacoste finally has a store at MOA, where you can buy a polo with a gator on it for 8 times the price of a comparable polo without a gator. A little behind the times too...Lacoste had a resurgence about 5 years ago on the East coast, where it vaulted from the brand your grandpa used to wear to the brand preppy East Coast kids wore with popped collars.

Aside from everything I just said, I really have nothing against Lacoste...

A matter of perspective?

2008-09-06T14:49:00.001-07:00

at
I was a bit confused as to why "Fats" would be advertised anywhere. Turns out I just had it from the wrong angle.

True mall beauty

2008-09-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

Thi
This wavy purple/blue thing hanging from the ceiling near the South food court means a great deal to me.

Don't ask why. It just does.

At least they're honest

2008-09-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

el
Nickelodeon Universe, the former Camp Snoopy, has a revamped foodcourt with the most overpriced foodcourt food I've ever seen. Get a shitty turkey sandwich for over $9. Get shitty beefaroni for over $9. Get a small soda for $2 with no refills. Don't get a free cup of water...they don't have any.

Just avoid this place.

Startling new blue wall and ceiling

2008-09-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

This is insane

False advertising is NOT healthy

2008-09-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

lth
Healthy Express has been at MOA for a long, long time (possibly since the mall opened), and yet I had never eaten there until yesterday. I ordered a "Garden Chiliburger," as it was advertised on the menu, with a soda.

To my dismay, the chili portion came separate from the burger.

This is false advertising, my friends.

Instead of naming it "Gardenburger with a side of Chili" we are subjected to a blatant lie. And while the burger and chili both were adequate in their own right, I can only imagine what the true combination of savory chili lovingly topped on my veggieburger would have been like.

I will be filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.

DEB finally leaves 1984 behind...for 1986

2008-09-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

mo
In a bold move, womens clothing store DEB has remodeled its storefront to get away from the early mid-80s look and move more to a more current, late mid-80s design. On the left we see the old DEB, with its outdated horizontal pink neon things flanking the DEB sign. To the right we see the updated version, with cool metallic things instead. The new DEB sign also has a little less "Early 80s Pink" in it, and instead sports a bit more periwinkle. Rumor has it they may start selling Zubaz as early as next year.

ssssssssssssssOriginal, dated version ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssNewer, still dated version
ssss

Which Mexico do YOU crave?

2008-09-04T21:10:00.000-07:00

Be
Corona Beer company has recently opened a new "Mexican" restaurant on the mall's nearly dead 4th floor called Cantina #1. When I went to check it out, the host practically begged me to eat there. Never a good sign.

New generic fountain added

2008-09-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

A new, rather plain looking fountain has been added to the South side.

Same fountain from a different angle.
D

WTF

2008-09-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

Abercrombie unveils new funeral home storefront

2008-09-03T17:08:00.000-07:00

Looking for a new casket? Then you might be fooled into stepping into RUEHL, a new store owned by the same folks that brought us Abercrombie & Fitch. With stately iron fences and an "eternal" brick facade, you may be surprised to find overpriced plaid shirts and khakis instead of urns and embalming fluid.

Now admittedly, I kinda saw this coming. Abercrombie's other stores at the mall--Hollister, Gilly Hicks, and Abercrombie itself--have dark exteriors with dark windows and sometimes pillars. But seriously...RUEHL is just frightful. It now appears Abercrombie has confused "classy and mysterious" with "mournful and macabre." Not that Abercrombie was ever actually classy or mysterious...

Pissed off...

2008-09-03T16:59:00.000-07:00

Behind this barricade announcing the soon-to-be 753rd Verizon store at the mall once proudly stood a Dairy Queen and Orange Julius. Let me make myself very clear: if I want a delicious Dilly Bar or a creamy "orange" drink, I certainly won't find them at this up-and-coming Verizon store.

Fuck you, Verizon.

Off the campaign trail

2008-09-03T16:52:00.000-07:00

John McCain stopping by an edgy t-shirt shop. He purchased the sweet skull-and-crutches shirt pictured to his right. Such a badass.

I forget what this store used to be

2008-09-03T16:50:00.001-07:00

I can't for the life of me remember what was here before it closed. If anyone remembers please let me know.

Doin' time at Chipotle

2008-09-03T16:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Jail.

You can now eat a burrito at the new penitentiary themed Chipotle at Mall of America. Yes, it's true Chipotle has always had a moderny-metallic, spare feel to it. But this one takes it a step further by implementing row after row of prison-style benches. And the layout is incredibly poorly planned, feeling confining or even claustrophobic. This is despite having large windows peering out into the mall's hallway, where you can gaze at the "free world."

I had a brief talk with an employee about the jail cafeteria theme, and she tried explain the need for Chipotle to try "new layouts and new materials." This leads me to believe barbed wire will soon separate the cash register from hungry guests.

<---Babies screaming to get out of Jailpotle

Best Buy and emptiness

2008-08-31T10:28:00.000-07:00

I find the new Best Buy logo a bit unsettling, which is apparently only being tested at the new store at MOA. It's an empty yellow price tag, and for some reason they can't fill it with the words "Best Buy" due to copyright issues. Or something. Anyway, it feels like something is missing from this new Best Buy store...something...

The South Cont'd...

2008-08-30T21:32:00.001-07:00

OK, so...

Other things of note:

This lovely white structure serves no purpose. It is Optional. And notice the abundance of lanterns surrounding it...they, too, are Optional. Or, more accurately, they are worthless, as they somehow to provide almost zero light. Seriously, there are a billion lights/lanterns here, and yet this entire part of the mall is still trapped in terminal nighttime.

Some closeups of aforementioned worthless lanterns...

The GOP have hired the tallest man in the world (he claims to be 13'5", but I'd put him at a disappointing 12'10") to try to influence unsuspecting mallgoers to vote for McCain/Palin in Nov...and then he strongly recommended the orange chicken at Panda Express with a side of crispy spring rolls.

Here's Captain Insane-o, aka "Sharky," about to eat some kids.

The South...

2008-08-29T17:19:00.000-07:00

As you all know, the South Side of MOA (aka "South Boulevard") has been thoroughly revamped on the 3rd floor over the past few months. The ceiling has been painted a calming cerulean blue, and all sorts of lanterns and tacky ornamental designs are now present.

This would all be wonderful, of course, if they actually FINISHED the job. You see, they added these new Ovals that display things like, well, see below...

Yes, these new Ovals are found throughout the South Side now, and you can see that *most* of them serve a purpose. But at each end of the hall, there are two empty Ovals (see below)...they serve no purpose whatsoever. Oh, they're decorative, you say? My Ass, they suck.

Day 0

2008-08-27T18:32:00.001-07:00

I ca
I can't believe there isn't already a mallofamericablog at this site. So I'm the first, I guess...and rightfully so. I OWN the Mall of America. Or I might as well, anyway, I've been there a billion times. I promise you I've been there more than the real owners.

This blog is intended to update you all on the inner workings of the Mall of America. You will learn about such intricacies (but not frivolities!) as:

Has a certain pillar been painted recently
Did the lighting change in the South side recently (hint: Yes it has)
Does the new Best Buy look funny

You can see there's a wealth of information to be gleaned here.

To be cont'd...

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